I'm Nothing
by SlightlyAnnoyedKuma
Summary: Sometimes people wear masks in order to be what people want them to be, over time these masks can weigh heavily upon us. This rang true for a girl called Leni Loud, will she crumble under the weight of her mask or will she pull through thanks to an old friend who makes her heart flutter, who may be hurting also. (Trigger warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts/ attempt). Leni x Dana
1. Chapter 1:

I'm Nothing: Chapter 1: My Mask

Over time our actions can weigh us down and make us tire of our reality. Day to day we wear masks to hide the traits we wish to hide and appease those around us, the ones we love.

This rang true for one girl from Royal Woods Michigan. She'd worn a mask for countless years, a mask to bring others up and give herself something she'd be known for. This girl was Leni Loud and her mask was becoming far to heavy of burden.

Leni Loud had turned eighteen recently, her parents, siblings and friends had gone all out for her. She smiled, she laughed and as per usual, had caused her fair share of confusion and mild irritation with her antics. Not that is ruined the day of course everybody loved Leni, that Leni...

Those who witnessed the event would have said it was a wonderful day. Everyone but one person in particular. When the festivities had ceased and everyone retired to bed one person couldn't sleep.

Leni Loud sat awake in herbed, this had become a common habit since Lori left for college. She really did miss Lori but on nights like these she could finally...take off the mask.

A small steady stream of tears slowly streamed down her pale cheeks, small sobs periodically escaped her lips as she gently rocked herself in an effort to calm herself once again.

It was all getting to much, everyone had gone to such lengths to make the day so perfect. It wasn't for her though, it was for the her they wanted.

She was thankful that Lori didn't make it today, she had acted disappointed but today she needed her alone time.

There were two Leni's you see: The ditzy valley girl who captured everyone's hearts and the real her, unremarkable, forgettable and a waste of space. Well that's what Leni thought, in truth she was smarter than the her everlasting persona, not a genius but not slow either, had a range of abondoned interests and struggled to be confident.

The thing that ate her up inside though was that all her siblings had talents goals and dreams...she had nothing.

It was hard to remember but it was around eight years of age when she decided to become the new Leni Loud. When the insecurities consumed her non-stop.

It was easy at first, she saw what was missing and decided on the loveable idiot. It was a role she saw in movies, cartoons and books. It took some time to perfect the act but now it was all anyone could think of when they thought of her. Now though things were getting hard, so long, so tiring and so much pain.

"Be strong Leni" she sobbed to herself. "Be strong for just a little longer...".

She rested her head on her pillow turning to a framed photograph of her family. "Goodnight everyone *sob* I love you". Leni chocked out.

Before she let herself drift into a restless sleep Leni had one thing left to do. "Happy birthday to you, happy to you, happy birthday dear Leni *sob* happy birthday to...you".

If no one else would say it to the real her, she may as well do it herself.

The Next Day: 7AM

Leni's eyes fluttered open to the sound of the cheery tune of her alarm clock. Time for work again already huh. She heaved herself out of bed with some difficulty. Still tired? Another dreamless night...great.

It's getting to much, everything's sore... Leni's inner thoughts meekly cried out.

She couldn't pay attention to them now however, she had somewhere to be. While Leni could have gone to college, her chosen life role wouldn't allow this. So she tanked her tests and now here she was, still living in the Loud House, working as a barista in the royal woods mall to help out around the house.

It wasn't so bad, she simply brought drinks to tables, pretended to read some drinks and names wrong and the illusion was upheld without getting her fired. The only crack in her performance was she drove now, though she had Linky to help her with that one.

She dressed quickly opting for a white shirt, long sleeve like most of her tops now they had to be after all and and some black jeans. Her interest in fashion was genuine but lately like a lot of her interests her enjoyment for such things wilted.

It's not like you were that good at them anyway...

Nobody was up yet, good. She could make herself some breakfast without having to burn anything or end up leaving the kitchen a disaster area.

Then you and the kitchen would have something in common...

She quickly prepared something basic, some toast and a strawberry and banana smoothie. At least she still liked making them, the sweetness helped her out a little. She scarfed the food down briskly eager to finish before her siblings began to awake for school.

After cleaning up she opened the front door to the cold December morning. It was freezing out and yet she didn't feel a thing, only letting out a deep sigh that Lucy could only dream of mustering. She walked slowly towards Vanzilla, something she now had full rein over now that Lori was gone.

Luna could drive but she had her own car, she'd managed to rack up enough money doing some shows around town. Luan was trying to pass her test and had been failing after being unable to resist cracking a joke and sending herself into hysterics behind the wheel. Leni chuckled, they really were amazing those two...

They all are, except you of course...

The drive was short and calming, Leni stole glances at the December mist which settled on everything creating a translucent blanket.

Her radio played some current popular pop song but she didn't really pay attention, maybe one day she'd be able to hear Luna over the airwaves.

When she arrived she went through the day to day motions. Lock the car, walk to the coffee shop, put on her apron, say hi to all the other staff and wait for orders. Just another day... or was it?

The customers soon began to arrive and with them came orders she needed to bring. A few mistakes here and there as usual.

" Like here's your laddy, smiles!" She cheerfully called out.

"Erm it's Miles and I ordered a latte". A young man said, visible confusion plastered on his face.

"Oh right latte, sorry I totes read that wrong" Leni chuckled.

Yep same old routine day in day out...

"Leni? Oh my god is that you!" A cheerful yet gentle voice spoke from behind her.

Leni whipped around quickly only to see a good friend from a long time ago, Dana Miller. Leni has met Dana when her and her siblings thought Bobby was cheating on Lori with her. When that had all been cleared up her and Dana started to hang out and quickly became best friends.

"Like Dana, is that you?" Leni asked gasped out.

"Of course it is Leni! I've missed you so much." Dana chuckled. "I finished my year abroad and now I'm back studying in royal woods". Dana said while giving Leni a small hug.

Leni smiled, a genuine smile. She'd not been able to do one for years now, it felt so strange. She had always had a soft spot for Dana she just didn't know exactly why though.

"Hey Leni when do you clock off, we have to hang out again, I've missed you so much". Dana said breaking into a gentle smile.

"Well I'm only doing a like a half shift today, I think it's about two Pmes!" Leni beamed.

"You mean two right? That's fine I'm here all day. Dana chuckled once again. "See you at two Leni, I can't wait to see you again". Dana waved goodbye taking her drink to go.

So Dana was back? Leni really wanted to see her again. She always loved being around Dana, she made her feel happy...

Even if it's only for a little bit...

Oh yeah, don't forget your place Leni, after all, you are nothing after all.

Time seemed to fly by and she couldn't lie but she was getting excited. It had been so long since she'd seen Dana.

Soon two PM rolled around and Leni finished her shift, she changed out of apron and headed out of the store saying her goodbyes.

Her heart almost skipped a beat when she saw Dana waiting for her by the fountain. She really wait for me?

Not the real you...

The dark thoughts could wait, just for now. Leni was going to have some fun with her friend.


	2. Chapter 2: Barriers of the Heart

I'm Nothing: Chapter 2: Barriers of the Heart.

Forward: lots of fluff and some disturbing imagery towards the end.

"Dana! Are you, like, still here to see me?" Leni chirped a small smile spreading across her face.

Dana looked up from her phone, her eyes seemed to light up as a gentle smile spread across her own face. "Of course I am Leni, I really wanted to see you again".

The two shared a quick hug their smiles not faltering.

"So I bet you're hungry after work? How about a light lunch". Dana offered.

"Oh like balloons? I want a red one!" Leni declared cheerfully.

Dana giggled covering her mouth slightly. "I've missed your jokes Leni, you're so funny".

Leni paused in confusion...jokes?

"Hmmm...how about some sushi, my treat?" Dana offered, a small glint of hope in her eyes.

"Oh I totes love sushi but you shouldn't eat treats, there, like, for pets and stuff". Leni excitedly responded.

Dana burst into a fit of giggles once again, "Please stop Leni or my ribs are going to get sore".

Does she really think I'm joking? Then again it's nice to see her laugh. Leni thought to herself.

At you, not with you...

"Right it's settled then, shall we get going?" Dana declared as she stood up.

The two began to walk towards their destination and caught up on old times.

Topics like how Leni's family were doing, how Dana's studying was going and life in general. More of Leni's acts and more laughing on Dana's part.

She couldn't really think they were all jokes right? No she wouldn't be here if she did. Right?

Leni's dark thoughts were interrupted by a gentle pair of hands on her shoulder.

"Leni? Are you ok? Your shaking." Dana asked concern evident in her tone and worry in her dark blue eyes.

Leni felt like she was going to have a heart-attack. Nobody was meant to see this, the shaking was getting too much. Her mask had just come loose in front of Dana of all people.

Leni took a deep breath and tried to steady her breathing. "I'm, l-like, fine I'm just cold". Leni stuttered out, sweat beginning to form on her brow.

"Hey, it's fine if your not feeling well. We can always meet up another ti-"

"No!" Leni interrupted quickly. " I, like, totes just need to get somewhere warmer". Leni shakily responded.

Dana continued to stare, her eyes not dropping their worried visage.

Why do her eyes have to be so beautiful...wait what? Leni thought to herself.

"Ok Leni if you're sure, we're just about there". Dana voiced slightly less worried now.

The two made their way inside and quickly and sat down. If Leni was being honest she'd never eaten sushi before, she knew what is was but she mostly came along to see Dana again.

She had to admit the whole thing was pretty impressive, the food coming to you on a conveyor belt and it all looked so different.

She'd tried a few different things, nothing too strange though, she wasn't that brave. What really held her attention though was Dana.

Leni couldn't help but steal glances at her friend. Her long brown her flowed down her face. Her smile was so bright. She wore a thick black sweater and some ivory jeans that just seemed to suit her so well. Then there were those eyes those amazing eyes.

Leni was starting to feel flushed. Her cheeks were beginning to turn a light crimson. What on Earth was going on?

She'd never felt like this before. She'd heard about it before, but she shouldn't feel this way about her friend right?

Leni needed to breathe, she couldn't take much more. "Excuse me, I totes need the bathroom".

She quickly got up and turned around with some speed, quickly running headfirst into a wall.

Well that was a first. On purpose that is. Unlike her fake collisions this one was very real and she had no time to brace herself. She was floored in an instant.

"Ugh my head". Leni groggily mouthed. She struggled to regain her bearings. Opening her eyes she was met with those beautiful sapphire eyes once again.

"Leni! Oh my god Leni! Are you ok!" Dana called out frantically, her hand on Leni's cheek.

Can't breath, too close, why does she care so much...

"D-Dana, what happened?" Leni struggled to chock out.

"You ran straight into a wall! Are you sure your not sick?" Dana shakily replied her eyes now burning with worry.

Leni shakily sat up and looked around, everyone was staring now. Well at least her act was intact.

Dana helped Leni to her feet and quickly decided to pay the bill. Soon the two were standing outside, Dana still in panic mode.

"Jesus Leni you scared me so much, please tell me if somethings wrong". Dana worriedly mouthed.

"I'm totes fine Dana, like, I walk into walls all the time". Leni replied, not really a lie.

"Ok Leni if you're sure..." Dana let up, letting out a small breathe she had been holding in for some time.

The two stood in silence for a moment but then both their eyes drifted towards their hands. It turns out they had been holding each other's hands for some time.

The two quickly let go and shared some awkward looks. Leni thought she must have hit her head harder than she thought, because Dana looked like she was blushing.

She wouldn't like you like that, I'm not sure she even likes you at all...

"Hey Leni? Do you maybe...want to hang out tomorrow?". Dana asked nervously rubbing the back of her neck.

Did she hear that right? She wants to hang out again? Of course she does! Everyone loves the fake Leni.

"I'd love too, I'm not working tomorrow". Leni quickly chirped. Wait did I really just say that?

"Awesome! Would you like to come to my house?" Dana replied excitedly.

Leni breathed in deeply, was this ok, could she do this for two days in a row. Would she be able to do that to Dana. To herself.

You don't matter remember...

"Cool I'll see you tomorrow!" Dana beamed.

Wait had I said yes? Ok yes she probably hit her head way too hard.

"I can't wait for tomorrow Leni. I better go catch my bus". Dana exclaimed with excitement.

"Hey wait Dana! I can drive you home if you like". Leni quickly called out. Dana quickly turned around and smiled brightly, nodding enthusiastically.

Soon the two were seated in Vanzilla, the mist of the morning had parted and gentle rain was beginning to fall.

"Thank you so much Leni! I'd be soaked right now if it wasn't for you." Dana chuckled. "Oh what did you think of the sushi, before your accident that is?"

"I totes loved it but ,like, it's kind of mean to keep the tiny chef in that small box it all comes out of". Leni replied.

Dana burst into hysterics once again and for once Leni was tempted too as well. All too soon though they had arrived at Dana's.

"Goodbye Leni, I'll see you tomorrow". Said Dana as she quickly exited the van and ran to her homes door to escape the rainfall. Turning around to wave goodbye before going in.

Leni smiled softly and giggled...that was nice. The peace was not to last however as the events of that day suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks.

The selfishness of wanting to hang out with Dana, the fact that Dana might have seen through her disguise and finally the feelings she didn't know what to do with.

She drove home as fast as possible her breathing was hitching and her mind was being assaulted by so many hurtful things.

She soon arrived at home and made her way inside. It looked like everyone hadn't arrived home yet. Good.

Her breathing was still uneven, her head was starting to develop a raging headache. She needed release.

She didn't want to but she had to before things got worse. She knew she shouldn't but she couldn't help it.

She reached her room quickly. Reaching under her bed she pulled out what she was looking for and made her way to the bathroom.

Once there, through shaky breaths she rolled up her sleeves and cringed at the sight. Lines of red and white covered her forearms.

She hated them she hated seeing them, almost as much as she hated herself.

Another deep breath and she brought what she had retrieved from her bed to her arm. A razor blade.

One more deep breathe and a quick motion of her hand and a cut was made, then another and another.

Soon new red lines covered her mangled arms, droplets of crimson seeping out of her cuts and down her arms.

She steadied her breathing and tried not to look down. She moved quickly to clean her wounds, applying gauze and wrapping her arms in bandages.

Soon she was clean up, her head felt lighter and the bad thoughts were subsiding.

Like usual after her routine she felt tired. She needed to lay down, just for a moment.

She rolled up her sleeves and made her way back to her room after disposing of the evidence.

Making her way back to her room fighting the urge to collapse. She lay down and let herself fall into an uneasy sleep.

At least tomorrow would be better, right?


	3. Chapter 3: Games and Gays

**I ain't even going to lie, I forgot I started on this and then started a job and then got fired from that job. Long story short door to door jobs are just as bad as they sound and it put my mental health into a bad spiral. Anyway back to the story for anyone who is reading this, thank you for reading this fan fiction.**

 **No I legit mean it, especially if you're reading this beginning note! I know my grammar can be pretty terrible and sometimes the plot might be kind of cheesy but thank you for staying with me.**

 **Chapter 3: Games and Gays**

Leni awoke the next day, feeling the sunlight peak through the blinds and shine on her face.

Flashes of yesterday flowing through her mind, work... meeting an old friend? Oh shit I'm supposed to meet Dana! Leni screamed internally clutching her head.

That's right when were they supposed to meet again? Think Leni, THINK! 10 it was 10...

Leni looked at the clock on her nightstand 8:30. Thank goodness, she couldn't be late. It was one thing to bother her friend, it was another to disappoint them.

Leni stood up and instantly winced, looking down she saw her legs. Oh yeah, that's right. Bandages wrapped tightly around her cuts from last night.

Leni took a few wobbly steps forward towards in mirror. She looked down at her thighs, a small frown growing on her face.

They'd need to be changed and quickly. Luckily for her it was the weekend and she was bound to get in some time alone to clean up, she threw on a long nightdress and set off to the bathroom

Leni quietly made her way to the bathroom. No one could know, nobody can ever know. She winced slightly with each unsure step.

She'd walk this off and get the circulation following. A small bit of time later she was all cleaned up and in fresh bandages. She glanced down at her wristwatch 9...

One last thing to do and that was to take the trash out. That job usually fell to her little brother Lincoln. A sweet kid, he was always caught up in the craziness of her siblings.

You're to scared to stop it... to weak...

"Right on cue". Leni breathed under her breath. She tried to force out the intrusive thoughts while she made her way outside to the garbage cans.

Hey Leni, what are you doing, that's my job?" A young boyish voice asked from behind her.

A small bead of sweet dripped down Leni's cheek. She quickly tossed the bag into the van and spun around to see her little brother.

"Oh hey Lincy! I, like, didn't see you there!" Leni chirped. "The can, like, looked totes full and I didn't want it to be sad!"

"...ok then... you're up early for once. I tried to call you for dinner last night but you were asleep". Lincoln questioned.

Leni shuddered slightly, "I... totes was tired after work". Leni replied shakily.

You're not fooling anyone anymore.

"Alright, don't push herself to hard Leni, you look kind of sick". Lincoln replied, face laced with concern.

Leni couldn't help but smile, he really does care doesn't he... she'd always had a soft spot for Lincoln, even though he'd never met the real her she tried to help him in her own way.

"I'm, like, totally fine lincy ~ you're up early too". Leni asked turning her head to the side.

"I couldn't sleep very well". Lincoln rubbed his arm softly. "Bad dreams". He sighed blushing slightly.

Leni knelt down and placed a hand on her brothers shoulder. "Bad dreams, like, totes suck!" She nodded. "If they come back you can totes get me, I'll keep them away". Leni smiled

He won't come, you're useless...

"Thanks Leni, I'm gonna watch AAAARGGGG." He waved goodbye and made his way back into the house. Leni waves back her smile fading slightly.

She looked down, nighty still covering her bandages. She checked the clock, oh shit half 9. She hurried inside to get dressed.

Jeans, a sea foam t-shirt and a light blue jacket. She adjusted her trademark shades be looked in the mirror, good enough.

She'd long given up on looking as fashionable as possible, day by day it didn't really seem to matter.

She hurried downstairs and made her way out the door. Dana didn't live to far away so she'd walk today. She needed to stop her legs from feeling numb.

She shivered slightly, a thin mist was all over royal woods again. Still it was nice to feel the cold air on her face.

Soon enough she arrived at Dana's house, it was a single story home painted bright blue. Leni was amazed by how well kept the place was.

She knocked gently on the door, shivering slightly. The cold weather was really starting to get to her. The door opened and Dana stood in the doorway a broad grin on her face.

"Oh hey Leni, I'm glad you came". Dana smiled. " I hope you're ready for an awesome day!" She exclaimed as she gave Leni a small hug.

She quickly pulled back however and looked somewhat panicked. "Leni you're freezing, y-you didn't walk her did you?" Dana questions.

Leni put on a dumb smile and nodded, Dana seemed to look concerned? She quickly let Leni in and shut the door.

"First order of business get you warmed up you like coffee right?" Dana smiled weakly.

See what you're doing... your scum.

Leni rubbed the side of her head to shake the thoughts away, not now. "Oh I don't like coffee, I just bring it to people, the barber makes it". Leni smiled.

"Oh...I'm sorry" Dana chuckled a little, a small frown spreading on her face. "Hot coco?" Dana asked.

Like, sure, that's not sad bean stuff right?" Leni beamed. Dana seemed to relax slightly and set to work.

Leni sat herself down, mentally swearing at herself for making things so awkward. Soon enough a cup of warm brown liquid was placed in front of her.

Dana seemed a little off today... when ever Leni looked at her she quickly seemed to smile at her and look away quickly.

You really want to comment on things like that...

Fair point. "So I was thinking we could play some video-games?" Dana asked gently. "I've, like , played some before with my brother, I'm not very good though". Leni shook her head.

"Neither am I!" Dana exclaimed a little too quickly. She quickly looked down and quickly rubbed her arm softly.

"I've got this r-really cool one it's called house of the hunted! I-it's good and it's two player!". Dana exclaimed excitably.

"That sounds totes scary". Leni quivered slightly. Dana's face fell slightly, "it'll be f-fun I swear". Dana says in a small voice.

"Ok! If you say it's fun then it'll be, like, like totes fun." Dana seemed to perk up slightly. "If you go to the living room down the h-hall I'll be right in." Dana giggled.

Leni was concerned she'd never seen Dana so... jittery before. I hope she's ok...

You did that...

Leni walked down the hall but stopped halfway down. I need to check to see if she's ok...

Making her way back she entered to find Dana quickly putting something back in her handbag.

Dana jumped slightly but then breathed a sigh of relief. " Sorry Dana I ,like got lost." Leni chuckled.

She'd use this strategy quite a bit at home, if she was worried about one of her siblings she'd pretend to walk into the wrong room just to check on them...it did backfire that time she walked in on bobby and Lori though. Leni mentally shuddered.

"Jesus Christ Leni, way to make a girl jump." Dana chuckled. "So unto the ghost slaying". She cheered as she threw her fists into the air.

Leni decided not to say anything after all she might just make things worse... like she always does.

Soon Dana and Leni were shooting ghosts and listening to some of the stiffest voice acting known to man.

Many games of horror action co:op later:

"It sounds like they rounded up these people from the nearest bus stop". Dana chuckled.

Leni wasn't sure how to respond for once, she'd been silent for awhile now. Dana seemed a lot happier now. Despite the numerous you are dead messages...

When ever she put on her persona Dana seemed to get a bit upset or chuckle, not quite happily though...

You should just be quite, everybody's sick of you even the fake you its becoming unbearable. You should just find a hole to and di...

"Woah Leni! You did it! We beat that sun of a bitch!" Dana jumped up and down with joy.

Wait what? A reply of the fight started to play. Dana was floundering all over the place like a dying fish but there she was nailing every hit.

Leni blinked rapidly in quick succession. She'd been playing pretty terribly up until now although that was on purpose.

Must have been lost in thought... she turned and saw Dana still pretty happy, did I really do that...

"Leni I've never beaten that boss before! Oh dear god no there's another level..." Dana sat down slightly deflated.

Dana sighed slightly before smiling again "still Leni that was incredible, I thought you said you weren't any good?"

"I guess I got totes got lucky". Leni giggled. It was nice to make her friend happy.

"Right let's see if we can beat the final, it's has every boss in one mission... I do not fancy our chances..." Dana chuckled softly

Dana seemed much more levelled out now, Maybe it was time to break the act...just a little

15 minutes later:

"Come on lucky Leni you can do it!" Dana cheered as Leni faced down the ultimate ghost mutant Dana had died mid mission and it was up to Leni, a few more shots and...

"YES! You did it Leni!" Dana screamed, the boss was dead and the day was saved.

Leni found herself quickly scoped up into a bear hug, Dana had the broadest grin she'd ever seen.

"Leni we did it and now...wait what do you mean bad ending! How many points do you need for the good one!" Dana huffed after noticing the heroes friend was possessed right at the end.

"Like, did I not beat him good enough". Leni pretended to look disappointed. Dana looked down again, her moth trembled slightly.

"It's my fault Len, I wasn't good enough to help you get the points..." Dana said with a sad tone.

"They must hide them really well! I didn't see any of them! We can find them next time". Leni smiled broadly.

"Yeah...I'd like that, Dana chuckled. "Defiantly next time though, for now the game can go screw itself".

"Oh wow, it's getting late, hey erm...Leni?" Dana chuckled nervously. "Do you want to spend the night? I know you walked and I bet it's as cold as hell now." Dana asked with a soft smile.

Leni really wanted to say yes...but there were to many risks, Dana might see the bandages... might see the real her...no...

"It's ,like, ok. I have to be at work tomorrow and I don't have my phone". Leni lied.

"Oh ok..." Dana sighed, "don't be a stranger?" She asked.

"I'm not a stranger, it's me! Leni your friend!" Leni waved at Dana who let out a quick chuckle.

As Leni went to head out the door she heard Dana say very softly: "I'm sorry if you didn't have a great time today". Leni turned slowly, Dana seemed to look sad and a little red eyed.

"Of course I had a totes good time, I was, like, with you". Leni smiled. Dana let out a small smile before waving goodbye.

Closing the door and heading out Leni realises how cold it really had become, it was freezing out. She kind of regretted not staying now...

You don't deserve a friend like her...

Shut up I do...

No you don't, you made her sad, your stupid act made her want to cry...your a monster.

...

Just as stupid as your act...

By the time Leni had gotten home she was freezing cold. Her cheeks were red and her hands were blue, everything was numb.

All except the bad thoughts and the pain in inside...

Walking into the loud house was the same as always... no one notices when she walks in and no one notices when she goes to bed early...

She just wanted to sleep and end on a good day... but the itching wasn't going away...


End file.
